


this will be nice, this will be neat, and bring you closer to me

by bruixa



Category: Archive 81 (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Blow Jobs, But like Lite, Coming Out, Internalized Homophobia, Like unhealthy if you think about it, Like. Archive 81 weirdness. In Porn. Here ya go. That's what you're in for., M/M, Masturbation, Porn with Feelings, Self-Discovery, Trans Male Character, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, Weird sex with weird feelings, weird robot sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:42:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21948250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bruixa/pseuds/bruixa
Summary: Loneliness and spare time lead to a lot of thinking.And thinking leads to a discovery.In short: Daniel Powell is going through it.
Relationships: Dan Powell & Rat, Daniel Powell/Rat
Comments: 17
Kudos: 99





	this will be nice, this will be neat, and bring you closer to me

**Author's Note:**

> come get yalls juice

Some days are lonely. The outpost is big, with winding halls and mysterious doors. But even with its size, Dan is acutely aware of the lack of Clara and Lou’s presence. And their warm voices and bickering. Of their normal faces and normal eyes and normal bodies and - 

Sometimes the radio rings minutes apart. Sometimes it’s days.

It sucks. To put it simply.

He listens to the tapes.

With what little information he can scrape together from his brief conversations with the exploring duo, Dan scours the archive and picks tapes and prays it’s something useful. He  _ wants _ to be useful. Has to be. He was made to be used in this way.

So, he listens to the tapes. By god, he does. He tries to listen to as many as he can. One after another, seeking information that can keep Clara and Lou alive another day (or days, depending on what time distortion decides to do). He listens until what feels like the remains of his stomach start to swirl and his throat clenches, and then he’s shakily removing the tapes from himself and gasping for air.

It never seems like enough in the moment, but Clara and Lou still show some appreciation. A little trust here and there. 

It’s kind of nice. It almost makes Dan forget that the reason he can talk to them is because there’s a device in the spot that used to be his spleen.

Suit is...well...

It’s complicated.

Dan likes her more when she’s empty, without the asshole who fills her up and berates him and does nothing to hide their contempt. Dan would punch them if he could, hurt them physically just as they’ve lashed out verbally, but they’re in Suit, and he doesn’t want to hurt her.

She’s been hurt enough. 

Sometimes they talk. Sometimes, he gets a bit out of her - a flicker of the person who Suit used to be. In her empty eyes, there’s  _ almost  _ something that could be considered emotions.

“Hey, how are you feeling today, Suit?”

“I am empty, Daniel Powell.”

Yeah…sometimes, Dan pities her. Other times, he wishes he was just like her. 

The outpost is lonely. It’s big and lonely and it makes Dan feel small and shitty. His companions are either gone or don’t care to talk. So _of course_ he’s going to hold on to the only one who likes talking and interacting. At least _he’s_ here at the outpost.

“He” being Rat.

-

“Oh, good morning, Dan! Were you able to succumb to sleep and dream of beautiful things?”

Rat is by his bed, poised as if he was planning on climbing onto it and waking Dan until he noticed he was awake. He smiles, tilting his head with slight curiosity as if he  _ doesn’t _ know Dan dreams every night.

“Uh, yeah,” Dan says, pushing himself into a sitting position with trembling arms. He grunts, feeling something shift within his chest and causing him to cough. 

“Careful, Dan,” Rat chides, “you must be careful with your body. It is so very fragile and beautiful and even rushed movements can cause complications and we would not want that at all!”

“I was just sitting up…” Dan mutters quietly as Rat does climb onto the bed now, sitting on his knees next to him. His hands feel along Dan’s chest, prodding into the parts of him that are still soft flesh. He hums slightly until he finds what he is looking for. Rat slips his hands into Dan’s chest cavity, tugs on something, and some of the discomfort Dan feels alleviates. He can’t suppress the small sigh that escapes him.

He tries to focus on the physical relief rather than the thought that this is the most his original flesh has been touched in over a year. 

“There. Feeling better?” Rat asks, looking up.

“Y-yeah,” Dan says, pushing himself off the bed. “Uh, thanks, Rat.”

The part of him that’s still hurt and angry that Rat did this to him wants to make a snide remark. Wants to insult the creature for thinking that it’s  _ helping _ in any way.

But...the rest of him just wants to accept it. That Rat’s concern is genuine. That he is sincere, in his own twisted way. 

-

The two of them mimic what could be considered a normal workday together. They avoid the cafeteria. Dan goes to the archive and listens to the tapes. Rat does whatever Rat does. They meet for breaks. Wash, rinse, and repeat until Rat takes Dan gently by the arm and leads him to bed.

Sometimes this routine is broken by the person who fills Suit coming to yell at them. Sometimes it’s Clara and Lou, chiming in from the radio. Sometimes it’s Suit coming to talk to Dan (but only when she’s empty). Dan would try to take breaks alone, but he doesn’t find those as satisfying or refreshing as he used to. Alone, he can sense the immensity of this place. It’s  _ wrongness _ . And how he’s starting to feel as though he belongs. 

“Rat!” Dan calls out, abandoning an attempt to be alone. Almost immediately he can hear the distinct sound of light and bare footsteps against the floor, and Rat appears from a nearby hallway. Dan wonders briefly if Rat is spying on him, making sure he’s behaving as he should. Doing the work that LMG wants.

But then he remembers that Rat is hardly that sinister. He probably hovers out of curiosity, or concern, or because he likes Dan. And he does go away, just...never too far.

“Hello, Dan!” Rat chirps, eyes lighting up once they land on Dan. “Are you finished listening to your tapes? I do not hear the radio ringing - or is that the issue? Or perhaps you saw a  _ specter _ that you thought was me! Or is it that  _ I’m _ the specter? It could be that you are the specter and I am-”

He talks  _ so much _ . So _ fucking  _ much. It can get hard to keep up, and sometimes Dan doesn’t listen because none of it even makes sense. Most of the information makes Dan’s head hurt anyways.

But it is nice, in at least one way: Rat fills the silence. Drones out the oppressive empty of the outpost. He’s charming, Dan supposes, in the way that he’s passionate and excited to just  _ talk _ , to share his thoughts and ideas and stories.

And the way his face lights up to speak. The large grin that spreads across his lips and how it seems like his mouth can barely keep up with his brain. The messy hair that falls across Rat’s eyes as he gestures wildly and how his pupils glint with excitement between those locks of hair.

_ He looks beautiful _ .

The thought jolts Dan, causing him to physically flinch away. He’s so stunned that it takes a moment for him to register that Rat has stopped talking and is staring at him with concern.

“Daniel Powell, are you alright?” He asks, and reaches out to feel along Dan’s stomach. Dan grips his hands on instinct.

“I’m fine! I’m fine. I just, uh,” he grasps for a lie. “I was just thinking, that’s all. You know. About this place. And Melody!”

Nailed it.

“Oh. Oh! Oh!” Rat exclaims, as though Dan had admitted to the scandal of the century. He giggles, raising his hand to cover his mouth. “Dan, are you coming to terms with those affections you have for Melody? Or perhaps it is some insatiable desire you are feeling! I will leave you to your thoughts, Dan. I do not want to intrude on one’s time exploring!”

“No, Rat, wait -” Dan begins, but Rat is already skittering away back down another hallway, his laughter trailing behind him.

-

Sometimes, Dan masturbates. 

Yeah, he’ll admit it. 

And he will not be ashamed of it! The first time was, well…it was for making sure everything  _ worked _ . The second time was waking up hard and for once Rat  _ wasn’t _ there (thank the Gods). The dread that came with the thought of walking around in just his boxers with a hard on was enough to convince him he’d rather risk jacking it than submitting the others to  _ that. _

The other times…well…

Listen, it’s good stress relief, okay? And Daniel Powell is  _ very _ stressed.

Usually he thinks about Tanya. Some smart part of him always reminds him that it’s an incredibly stupid thing to do and only causes him to feel miserable afterwards, but that misery can’t be worse than anything this godforsaken place has put him through. 

And the other option is...well...it’s Clara. And he is  _ definitely  _ not doing that. That would be some weird breach of their relationship in his mind, and then he’ll just think about it when they talk again, and...yeah. Better not do that.

He guesses there's also the Green Woman, as freaky as she is. Is it weird that she somehow always shows up  _ after _ he’s done masturbating?

Best not to think about it. Or use her for horny fantasies. 

Dan’s rubbing himself down. He would worry about keeping quiet if it actually felt that good, but really, it feels more like work than something he’s enjoying. But hey, stress relief, right?

He’s careful to keep his new flesh on the blanket over himself, to keep it away from touching his own body. The idea of switching hands was just too much and he wasn’t sure if it would feel that good. He didn’t care to find out, anyways.

Still, as pathetic as this feeble attempt at pleasure is, Dan sure is trying. He lets his eyes slide close and conjures images of Tanya. It doesn’t feel good, and the pang of guilt hits him hard, but he doesn’t stop. 

He thinks of their time together, of Tanya touching him, talking sweetly into his ear. Of gripping him and sliding to her knees, stroking him until he’s hard and eager. She would let her eyes close and Dan would notice the flutter of her dark, pretty lashes. His eyes focus on her lips as she presses them to his dick. She always made nice sounds, no matter the act they were performing, and he imagines them now, sighing softly at the thought. He can imagine her hair falling in front of her face as she bobs her head up and down. Of how she’ll look up with big eyes dark and glinting with interest and excitement.

How he definitely wouldn’t be the best, for sure, but  _ god _ does it feel good. And his mouth, hot and moist as he grips at Dan’s hips for stability. Dan can imagine lacing his fingers into his hair and holding on tighter as he thrusts his cock into Rat’s m -

Wait.

What the fuck?

Dan moves his hand away from himself as fast as possible, taking it out from the covers and instead pushing himself up.

_ What the fuck? _

Dan stares into the dark of the room with shock and horror. Even with his eyes open, the image of Rat’s mouth around his cock is still in his mind, big pretty eyes staring up at him.

“No, no,” Dan says to himself, willing the thought from his mind. Once it’s gone, Dan refuses to think about the whole thing further. He didn’t want to think of any implications beyond a weird horny moment. 

Laying himself back down, Dan tries to ignore how hard and close he actually is, and instead forces himself to sleep. He quietly prays that there won’t be any weird dreams.

Well, there’s always weird dreams.

But hopefully none of  _ that _ nature.

(There aren’t. Dan considers himself lucky to dream of eldritch horrors, for once.)

-

“I’m not gay,” Dan says to Rat a few days later, at what could be considered their lunchbreak together (if either of them ate).

Rat looks up from spitting into a can of peaches to cock his head curiously. He sets the can down gently, as if it held any precious materials. Technically, it does, as this whole world and fluids seem to have a…unique relationship.

“I didn’t say you were,” Rat responds curiously, and Dan realizes with dawning horror that he absolutely said that unprompted.

“No, I know,” Dan says, trying his best to recover. “Just. You talked about gay people. And Melody’s gay. I’m not.”

_ Really, Dan? _

“Well, people can be bisexual! I had assumed that’s what you are, since you liked Tanya, and you’re very close to Mark -”

“What?!” Dan interjects, cutting Rat off. “No! Mark is - he’s my best friend. Yeah,  _ he’s  _ gay, but that didn’t have any effect on...us. Like, I’m cool with gay people, okay? I’m just not gay. Or Bi. I’m straight.”

“Sure, Dan,” Rat says, “you’re straight! Many people are. I don’t think this world really considers sexuality a  _ thing, _ as it’s unnecessary for creatures with no sex or gender! They don’t experience attraction, you know. I don’t even know how they reproduce! What a thing it must be to witness. Oh! But right. You can be straight!”

“Do you experience attraction?” Dan says before he can stop himself, regret pooling into him immediately. Of  _ course  _ he had latched on to the one embarrassing topic he could’ve asked about.

“Oh, I haven’t thought about such things for a while now!” Rat says. “Back, before all this, I certainly did! Men and women and those who don’t really fall into those two limiting categories! And we would have sex and it was nice! You know, some of the creatures here like sex. From us! Something to do with the exchanging of fluids, right? I haven’t done it myself, you know. I’m sure it would be very fun and interesting! All those emotions and hormones and then the ejac-“

“Thanks, Rat,” Dan says stiffly, “I’m - I’m going to go listen to some tapes now.”

“Oh! Okay.” Rat frowns, appearing disappointed by Dan’s sudden departure. “I’m sure there are some sex tapes in the archive, if you’d like to learn more.”

Dan doesn’t listen to them, but for a moment, he sincerely considers it.

(He kind of wishes he did, though, a few nights later, when he’s trying to get himself off again, and his mind wanders to Rat  _ again _ . At least the tapes could have provided some new fantasy. Albeit some fucked up one, but it can’t be worse than the humiliation of this, right?)

-

Dan starts to notice that Rat likes to touch him. Like,  _ a lot _ . 

Sometimes it’s warranted, like when something has obviously dislodged in Dan’s body and needs correction. And Dan will always try his best to ignore the sensation of someone’s hands  _ inside _ him (and it’s not even in the cool, sexy way), but he’s starting to lose it.

The slight brushes of bodies and fingers. The hand that presses into his lower back as Rat moves past him. The gripping of his arms. The holding of his hands. 

It had never bothered Dan that much. It was weird, sure, but he also kind of liked it. That little bit of contact. He had been alone and isolated for so long, so...Rat’s touches were welcomed. And it’s not like Rat was  _ doing _ anything  _ different _ . He was just being Rat.

Touchy-feely-reaching-into-Dan’s-chest-and-pulling-out-wires-that-are-now-his-organs Rat.

However, in light of recent events…it was beginning to feel like a lot.

Dan groans and presses his hands against his head. What is  _ happening  _ to him?

-

“Are you doing okay, Dan?” Clara asks over the radio one day. “You sound tired, and...frustrated.” 

“We’re all tired, Clara,” Dan responds, “and yeah. I’m fine. The tapes can be a lot, you know?”

“This doesn’t sound like ‘I just listened to a creepy tape and it was really fucked up’ tired,” Clara comments and Dan laughs dryly.

“I didn’t know that was a specific kind of tired. Seriously, Clara, I’m fine.”

“Is it Rat?” Clara asks suddenly, causing Dan to choke. “I swear, if he’s done any more weird stuff and you can’t keep mapping, I’ll -”

“No,” Dan says fast and hard, “no. We’re - we’re fine. Look, can we just drop it, Clara? We’re not really the types to have deep talks over the phone late at night.”

“Is that what we’re doing?” Clara says, and Dan can hear the smile in her voice. “Well, then  _ you _ should hang up first.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously!”

“Fine. You guys…You guys just stay safe, okay? Call me when you can. I’ll do my best to help you,” Dan says.

“I know you will,” Clara assures him.

-

That night, Dan actually admits defeat and tries to imagine Clara’s face as he strokes himself. But...it slips back to Tanya. And then Rat. And then Dan flips over onto his stomach and screams into his pillow.

He then also regrets this decision due to the pain that blossoms in his open abdomen from being pressed against the mattress. 

-

Dan finds himself staring at Rat’s mouth a lot when they’re together. Watching how it moves and stretches wide at the corners, how his tongue licks his lips sometimes. He can’t even tear his eyes away when Rat spits into his own hand for one of his weird projects. 

It makes him think of when Rat licked his spit from his hand, making Dan shiver and squirm, pressing his tongue to Dan’s palm and slurping like it was nothing. And really, to Rat, it was. 

“Why do you like spit so much?” Dan asks Rat, who giggles.

“Oh, I like all the fluids, Dan. They all are very useful and so much fun to obtain!”

“Even cum?” Dan was mentally hitting himself.

“Of course, silly!” Rat insisted.

“So, you would take  _ my _ cum?”  _ WHAT THE FUCK? _

“Oh, are you offering?”

“No!” Dan says, pushing himself from the table, “I - I was joking. I didn’t think you’d answer seriously. I’m going to go back to work now.”

Rat simply watches Dan as he rushes from the room, not saying anything. It doesn’t go unnoticed by Dan, however, that he does seem slightly disappointed at Dan’s refusal.

Dan goes back and listens to the tapes, of course, because Clara and Lou’s lives are on the line. But what he actually wants to do is curl into a ball and scream for hours on end. 

Rat tucks him into bed when he eventually exhausts himself. He doesn’t even comment on the conversation from earlier, instead rattling off to Dan about how he should pace himself. Dan’s somewhat grateful for it, while an evil part of him wishes Rat would just be normal for once.

-

Some nights, Dan thinks about Mark. 

Yeah, Dan was pissed at him about the podcast, about not keeping his line secure. But how was Mark to  _ really _ know? And...Dan misses him, more than he misses Tanya. Dan isn’t really  _ sure _ if he actually misses Tanya, but he likes to think he does.

He thinks about their conversations. About Mark’s stares. How much Mark hated every. Single. Girlfriend. Like Christ, dude, not one of them lived up to your expectations? Not a single one was good enough for your best friend?

_ I am a colossal idiot _ , Dan thinks. He should really apologize to Mark, for not realizing that what Mark was exhibiting was jealousy, for trying to force him to be best friends with every single girlfriend. Guy was a real trooper, huh? 

“But why should  _ I _ apologize for being straight?” Dan says out loud to himself. He doesn’t like how it feels. Like he’s lying. He isn’t lying, he knows this. 

And yet…

Dan covers his face with his real arm and tries his best to fall asleep without any more anxious thoughts to plague him.

-

It takes a few days, but Dan is patient (not really). He helps Clara and Lou get to relative safety. And talks to Clara. A lot. Dan doesn’t want to be an asshole and tell her to give the radio to Lou because for  _ god sake their lives are on the line Daniel get a grip _ .

And even when he gets the chance, Dan almost chickens out, because why is he even asking this?

“Hey Lou,” Dan forces out, “can we chat a little? Man to man?”

“Hey, I think I’m a bit more man than you,” Lou says, and Dan knows it’s meant to be a tease even if it genuinely hurts, “but yeah, mate. What d’ya need?

“Have you ever, like, been with men at all?” Dan asks, and for a moment there is silence on the line. “…Lou?”

“No, I’m here. Sorry, I just - I wasn’t expecting that! You offering, or..?” Lou trails off. “Because sorry, Dan, you ain’t really my type. Even without the whole…recorder business.”

“Get over yourself,” Dan says. “I wasn’t  _ offering _ . I just…wanted to know.”

“Know what? How it works? Did you skip out on Sex-Ed, Dan? Or, like,  _ never _ use the internet?”

“No!” Dan says, feeling his face flush. “I mean, I did go to Sex-Ed. And I am  _ well _ aware of the content on the internet, I just...I wanted to know how you know if you’re attracted to men.”

“Well aware, huh?”

“Fine, never mind, I’m hanging up-”

“No, no, sorry,” Lou says between small laughs, and it feels…normal. Too normal for the situation. For Lou to be able to answer Dan’s question while quite literally exploring a new and horrible world, not even considering that Dan is also a monster of that world now.

It makes Dan regret asking the question a  _ little _ less.

“It’s kind of cute, that you have to ask,” Lou says, “makes you seem all innocent. Maybe there’s still hope for us after all, Dan!” Dan swears he can hear the wink.

“Listen, mate,” Lou says, this time his tone more serious, “I didn’t admit at first. It was sort of hard to accept. I was young, kind of stupid-“

“You’re still stupid -”

“-Anyways, the point being, well...it was just all in my  _ gut _ , you know. I always thought I wanted to be  _ friends _ with a guy, and I’d feel this...pull in my gut, to be around him all the time. Be pissed at all his girlfriends. Maybe get a  _ tad _ bit overprotective.” Lou chuckles at this, and Dan’s glad he can’t see him sweating.

“And then I was realizing I was thinking about my friends in the way friends don’t usually think about each other. And yeah, I thought of girls too, so I thought I was just like them! But then I’d stare at another boy just a bit long or watch his mouth a bit too much. Y’know, the usual ‘I’m really attracted to someone’ bit, just with a guy! And hell, I didn’t talk about it when I first realized! First boyfriend didn’t happen till college.”

“Woah,” is all Dan says, a little unsure how to take it all in. Well, he does, but he doesn’t want to admit it. “Th-thanks, Lou.”

“Yeah! Didn’t expect to spill so much, but hey, what are friends for?” Lou grins into the radio. “Oh, uh, Dan?”

“Yes?”

“Why are you asking me this, anyways? Not as straight as you thought?”

Dan laughs and falls silent for a moment. He stares at his hands before looking back up at the mother radio.

“Something like that?”

“You doing okay, mate? I know this stuff ain’t easy.”

Another laugh escapes from Dan, this one sounding more bitter. He can imagine the frown Lou must be wearing as he hears this.

“Is anything okay here? Is any of this easy?”

“That’s not what I mean, Dan,” Lou sighs. “Like yeah, no shit. Being here ain’t easy. But struggling with your sexuality, that’s kind of an  _ our _ world thing.”

There’s a long pause between them, where Lou is just waiting on Dan. Dan had never realize that Lou might actually be a nice guy.

“I think…I think I’m bisexual, Lou. Or gay, even, I don’t know. I don’t..I -” Dan’s voice is lost as a sob rises in his throat and wracks his body, hot tears falling from his eyes. Why is he even crying?

“Hey there, Dan,” Lou says, his voice impossibly soft, “It’s okay. You can cry. We’ve all been there, mate. I’m proud of you. For talking to me.”

Lou falls silent as Dan continues to cry on the radio, offering words of comfort here and there, but eventually, Lou does have to leave. Dan makes him promise not to tell Clara. He’s not sure why. Lou promises anyways.

As he stumbles back towards his room, wiping at his red eyes, Dan comes upon Suit. She’s staring at a wall, singing to herself.

“I’m gay,” he blurts out.

“I am malfunctioning.”

Dan laughs, something hollow. He’s not sure if he’s glad the outpost holds only the two people who couldn’t care less about his identity.

-

Rat’s hands move down Dan’s arm, his new flesh. Fingernails glance against metal and wires. He shifts, and Dan notices the bright pink of Rat’s tongue poking out from his lips. It wets his bottom lip, spit causing it to gl -

Dan looks away and stares at the wall.

He can still feel Rat’s hands, though, even through the new flesh, despite the lack of nerves and skin. His touches are incredibly light and thoughtful. He pulls on a wire, makes an adjustment. Pain shoots up Dan’s arm and he lets out a grunt. Rat giggles.

“Sorry, Dan!”

“’S fine,” Dan says, almost grateful for the pain to shake the thoughts of Rat’s hands out of his mind. 

“You really shouldn’t sleep on your new flesh, at least, not for a bit longer! It is still oh so delicate, Dan! And you are delicate and beautiful, and I would just  _ hate _ for something to go wrong.”

“Isn’t that why you’re here?” Dan asks. “To keep me in working order and all that?”

Rat perks up and looks up from Dan’s arm to his eyes.

“Oh, that was not my  _ original _ purpose, but I suppose it is my new one! I am yours, Daniel Powell. Here for you. For your needs.”

Daniel looks away again, trying to ignore the tightness in his throat. “I was just joking.”

“I was not!”

Dan knows this.

-

Dan spends a day avoiding Rat. Well, not avoiding, but not seeking him out. And excusing himself when he does show up. Something about tapes and being busy, or being tired and needing a moment of rest. Brushing off concern.

Okay, so maybe it is avoiding, but give a guy a break. 

It’s hard enough being a monster trying to keep two people alive, let alone being a monster and suddenly dealing with sexuality and liking your friend/coworker/creator.

Dan derails his own train of thoughts.  _ Liking? _

He doesn’t like Rat. He’s just having fantasies about him, because he’s the one who’s  _ here _ . And yeah, he’s small and cute and could  _ easily _ fit into Dan’s lap.

And his hands are very skilled. They could do so, so much. 

But it’s not anything more than just some weird pent up sexual frustration! And  _ that’s _ stretching it.

It’s not like he imagines just listening to Rat talk, curled against his chest, undisturbed by the gaping whole that used to be his organs. How he would talk about not needing sleep, but feel so comforted by Dan that his eyes would flutter and he-

Dan punches the wall. With his real hand. Pain erupts from his hand and runs up his arm.

The sound of bare feet against the tiles follow close behind.

“Daniel, I heard a commotion! Are you alright? What was it?” Rat says, racing up to him.

“Nothing, Rat,” Dan tells him detachedly. “Just letting out some frustration.”

“Oh Dan, there are much more productive ways to deal with anger and frustration,” Rat giggles. “You should be careful!”

“Thanks, Rat.”

-

Dan strokes himself. It kind of sucks. Trying his best to not think of anything and just focus on the sensation, but that  _ sucks _ and it feels like  _ shit. _

His mind skips Tanya completely. Doesn’t even consider Clara. 

It just goes to Rat.

“Fuck it,” Dan says aloud to himself, picking up his own pace as he lets his eyes close and conjures Rat in his mind.

_ “I’ll take care of your needs, Dan _ ,” says the Rat in his mind. He bends over one of the shitty cafeteria tables. It’s not like anyone is using them. Not like anyone will walk in on them.

Dan imagines pounding into Rat, who can barely keep himself up from the onslaught of overwhelming pleasure. He’s begging and slick and his legs slip as he tries to hold himself up. Dan would hold onto him as he bucks his hips hard into Rat. 

Rat’s words fall into a series of  _ Oh! Oh! Oh! _ And Dan forces him to turn around so his back is against the table and Dan has his legs over his shoulder. He uses his good hand and presses it against Rat’s lips, who opens his mouth immediately. He sucks, looking up at Dan with lustful eyes. 

Rat desperately moves his hand towards his clit, whining and begging as he rubs himself, Dan pounding into him. Dan would tell him how good he looks, how good he’s doing. He would grab at Rat’s hand and tease him a-

Dan comes. It’s the best orgasm he’s had in months. It’s not  _ great _ , but it’s way better than the ones he’s gotten with the fantasies of Tanya.

He pants out hard breaths, staring into the dark. He can feel his cum on his hand and he feels gross and ashamed of himself. And still, he’s thinking of Rat.

_ I am so fucked _ .

-

“I think I’m gay, or something like that,” Dan says after building up a day’s worth of courage to say it. Rat doesn’t react much, only making a small sound of delight.

“Oh, Dan, have you been exploring and making new and beautiful discoveries about yourself?”

Dan lets out a bitter chuckle. 

“I didn’t know me being gay was ‘beautiful’,” he says dryly. Rat giggles and beams at him.

“Anything about you is beautiful, Daniel Powell!” Rat says.

Dan excuses himself, mostly because he has to actually listen to tapes. Keeping Lou and Clara alive and all that.

He tries to ignore the flutter in his chest from Rat’s words and how lightheaded he suddenly feels.

-

“Hey Dan!” Lou says at the end of a call. “How are you doing, mate? Y’know, with all the...”

“Sexuality crisis?” Dan provides as Lou pauses.

“I wouldn’t say  _ that _ , but your words!”

“…I’m...I’m working through it,” Dan says, his voice a little quieter. Lou lets out a sympathetic sound. 

“Well, at least there aren’t any pretty boys at the outpost to make things more difficult, right?” Lou says, “Well, not  _ yet _ .”

Lou chuckles, and Dan rolls his eyes.

“Yeah, sure, Lou.”

Yeah…sure.

-

Rat is sitting on Dan’s lap, just where his groin is. 

Not like Dan  _ chose _ to be in this situation: he had woken up to Rat already in his lap and working away at his torso. He had mentioned something about Dan’s breathing being funny and wondering if had to do with what is his diaphragm now.

Dan couldn’t really remember. It was hard to focus with Rat’s weight pressed and moving against him. With his hands inside Dan.

Rat hums a song that Dan doesn’t recognize. He’s not sure if Rat is hitting the wrong notes or that’s just how the song  _ is _ . He wouldn’t take Rat as a musical guy. He seems to  _ like _ music, sure, but that’s not the same as  _ knowing _ music.

Dan knows there’s a special connection with song and stories and human perception of this entire world, but if he were to be honest, he does  _ not _ want to think about it. 

And it’s not like he could really think about it. Not with Rat still straddling him, bony ass bearing down on Dan’s groin. 

Dan’s looking at his side, trying to avoid Rat’s face, how it’s so close to his stomach, how intimate his hands feel inside him. So he looks to his side. Where his shirt hangs off him.  _ It doesn’t fit him too well _ , Dan thinks. He wonders what size the shirt is, to hang off Rat so much. Or maybe Rat is just  _ that _ small.

He doesn’t really notice his hand raising up to touch the fabric of the shirt. It’s worn and old and stained. Not stained in the fact that Rat is wearing a dirty shirt, just something that’s marked with permanent patches of spills and other god-knows-what kind of foreign matter. 

His hand slips under, feeling up along Rat’s skin, just where his ribcage should be. The skin is surprisingly soft and smooth. 

_ Jesus, he’s skinny _ , Dan notes as he continues to trace his hand up Rat’s side. It feels like there’s nothing there, and maybe that’s the case. It feels as though Dan could easily wrap his hands around Rat’s waist and squeeze and crush his spine.

“Dan?” Rat’s voice cuts through his thoughts.

“Wh,” Dan says dumbly, looking up at Rat in a stupor. Rat has stopped working on Dan. He’s looking at him curiously, eyes dancing between Dan’s face and the hand running along his side. 

“Shit, uh, sorry,” Dan says, retracting his hand away. He feels heat creep along his cheeks and he feels too embarrassed to turn his head back. He hears Rat laugh.

“Curiosity is nothing to be ashamed of, Dan!” Rat exclaims. “You are welcome to feel my body! To see what has been done to it. It is not as beautiful or intricate as yours, but it was work nonetheless!”

Dan turns back, a defensive swell beginning in his chest.

“I wasn’t touching you because of  _ that _ .”

“Oh?” Rat asks, tilting his head to the side. “Then why?”

He’s leaning closer now, examining Dan’s face. As though he is trying to figure out Dan’s curiosity, discover his answers, reach into Dan’s head just as he reaches into his chest.

“Can we kiss?” The words get out of Dan’s mouth before any filter can stop them, and he feels the sharp heat of shame and surprise erupt in his cheeks. He stays stiff as Rat leans back, looking genuinely surprised for once. 

Laughter erupts from Rat. It’s not cruel. It’s just a laugh of surprise, and not too far off from his usual giddy giggles. He covers his mouth with a dainty hand, eyes darting to the side.

“Oh, you want to kiss me?” Rat asks. “Is this for some project? Do you just need some spit? I - I never thought, well, I never thought you would want to kiss  _ me. _ ” Rat lets out another wild giggle. “Me, kissing  _ the _ Daniel Powell.”

“I -” Dan says, feeling flustered and confused, “no, I, I don’t wanna kiss you for some  _ project _ or something. I just - I want to kiss you, okay? We don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“No!” Rat insists, his voice sounding far too excited for the given situation. “I am happy to kiss you, Dan!”

Dan decides it’s better to stop listening to Rat at this point. Instead, he raises his arm and cradles the back of Rat’s neck in his palm to pull him closer. There’s only a short distance between them, but it feels like ages before their lips finally connect.

It’s a short, chaste kiss. Just a brushing of lips. It’s not like it’s fireworks or world shattering, but...it still makes Dan’s head feel light. 

“That was ni -” Rat says, pulling back some to speak, but Dan doesn’t let him get much further. Whatever inhibitions that were holding him back seem to vanish and he  _ can’t _ let this moment end. He wants it  _ so bad _ . He needs more.

He raises his other hand to cup Rat’s face and pulls him back into another kiss. Rat makes a noise of surprise but follows the pull of Dan’s hands. He’s not an _amazing_ kisser, it’s probably been ages since he’s kissed another, but Dan doesn’t care. It feels _so_ _fucking good_.

Their lips overlap, and Dan presses harder against Rat’s mouth. Rat, for his part, kisses back. He’s less aggressive, more intent on seeing what Dan will do. 

When Rat’s mouth opens a little, Dan doesn’t hesitate to slip his tongue into it. Rat does nothing to stop him. He practically welcomes it, pressing his tongue to Dan’s and even sucking in lightly.

Dan nips at Rat’s lip lightly when they pull away before he’s chasing the other again, lost in the moment. Their wet mouths connecting make a multitude of gross sounds that Dan largely ignores. 

He doesn’t know how long they spend like that, kissing one another. He just knows that when he finally pulls away, he feels breathless (even though he’s not sure if he really  _ needs _ air). Rat is panting and looking at him with bright eyes, as if he’s processing it all. Dan does notice he’s already semi-hard, and he’s  _ sure _ Rat can feel it against him.

But Rat doesn’t comment on that.

“Oh, Daniel, you should probably go to your tapes!” Rat says. And Dan kind of hates him for it. Because he knows it’s not Rat trying to avoid or escape the situation. He’s being genuine, and Dan does needs to work.

“Uh, yeah,” Dan says, because he’s really not sure to say at all. He just lets Rat climb off him and follows him to the archive, where Rat bids him farewell.

Dan wipes at his mouth, and can’t stop thinking about how it’s his and Rat’s spit together. 

-

“Why do you like that creature, Daniel Powell?” Suit asks him one day when he visits her.

“What?” He splutters, caught off guard by Suit’s comment.

“You spend much of your time with it. That abomination. Why?” Suits voice is laced with a surprising amount of venom. Not for Dan. Dan thinks she likes him, in a way. The barest feelings of friendship.

Because he treats me as a person. He likes to be around me. He might be the reason I’m gay? I can’t stand being alone. You’re empty. He makes me feel wanted. Special.

Dan doesn’t say any of that.

“I - I don’t know,” he says instead.

He excuses himself. His head swims as he thinks about Rat. Suit’s not wrong. He knows he should hate Rat.

He should. He really should.

Dan sighs. 

He doesn’t.

-

Their routine changes slightly. Not by much - they both still work. It’s just the breaks that are different.

Instead of exploring the halls or sitting around and awkwardly playing the PS2, they kiss. 

Dan can’t remember if he’s the one who starts it. It’s usually him, as he recalls. Dan can’t get enough of the feeling of Rat against him. Of being in his mouth. Of feeling the other just hold onto him and letting him -  _ trusting _ him - to do what he wants. It feels good. It feels really good. 

Rat doesn’t seem to have the same need Dan does, that desire to be close. Sometimes Dan feels insecure and thinks it’s because Rat doesn’t like him.

But it’s not like they’re a thing. There are no emotions in this. Why would it matter if Rat liked him or not? This is stupid. Rat just isn’t as horny as Dan. Easy. 

“You are so beautiful, Dan,” Rat says between kisses.

Dan feels faint and warm. 

-

“Good night, Dan,” Rat says in his sing-song voice. He helps Dan lay down carefully; he’s been feeling weary from listening to the tapes. “Have wonderful and amazing and beautiful dreams!” Dan mumbles a thanks. He’s tired. He’s worried about Lou and Cara. 

He doesn’t feel like enough.

Rat leans over and presses his lips lightly to Dan’s. It’s quick. And he’s already pulling away before Dan can react, turning off the lights. 

Dan lays there for a moment, his chest fluttering and wanting to scream into the darkness.

-

Dan wonders how empty Rat is.

He is not Suit. He has some soul. He has wants. But Dan watches him and wonders what brought someone to become…to become this.

He doesn’t hate Rat, and isn’t disgusted by what he is. He likes Rat, pities him. 

Rat seems lost, sometimes, and Dan remembers that LMG tape. Rat speaking of making his life worthwhile. “I am sure that is enough,” he had said. The words echo in Dan’s mind. His connection to the company had seemed so mysterious, the mad scientist that works for them.

Now it seems simpler. He is lost and looking for purpose. 

“If you leave this outpost, I will come with you,” Rat had said.

Dan wonders if it truly means anything. If there is something deeper there other than Rat’s boredom of the outpost. Does he want to feel more fulfilled? Does  _ Dan  _ make him feel fulfilled?

Dan wants to mean something to Rat.

“I am proudest of you.”

Dan presses his new flesh to his chest and sighs. It hurts. It hurts to want to be wanted and not being sure if it’s requited. It hurts that he doesn’t know Rat intimately. That he seems so simple and complex.

Rat thinks he’s beautiful. He’s proudest of him as a creation. But he’s not just that.

“-and a good friend.”

Dan’s throat clenches a little at the memory of Rat’s words. It’s not just him being one of Rat’s projects. Rat values him, sees him as a friend. 

Dan sobs and curls into himself, even though it hurts. Tears fall down his face as he grips at his chest, where his hurt is. It hurts. It hurts so bad.

Dan wants to be wanted.

He wants to be loved.

-

Rat fits  _ so _ nicely in Dan’s lap. He’s light and easy to hold. And he lets Dan’s hands roam across him. Exploring the expanses of flesh that Rat still has.

Their kissing has gotten even  _ more _ intense.

Most of the time, it’s Dan doing the work. Mostly because it’s  _ him _ who wants it. At least, that’s what he thinks, so it thrills him when Rat kisses back. When he climbs further up on Dan to reach deeper into his mouth.

He’s a little surprised when he feels Rat’s hand reach up towards his mouth. How a thumb hooks inside his lips. But Dan lets it happen, lets Rat spread his mouth open farther than normal. It’s a little uncomfortable, but Dan’s curious. Rat leans in more, kissing Dan’s lips and cheeks until he focuses on his open mouth. He slides his tongue in.  _ Deep _ .

He’s practically licking the wet inside of Dan’s mouth. Well, not practically. He  _ is _ . It’s not even really kissing. It’s just all Rat’s tongue exploring the spaces of Dan’s mouth. And Dan doesn’t stop him, doesn’t open his eyes to stop feeling the sensation. It feels weird to be invaded in this way, to have Rat’s tongue slide along his tongue and teeth in a way that isn’t just the brief moments during their kisses. It’s making Dan feel hot and heavy, and he isn’t about to stop it. 

Dan feels a bit of spit slide down his chin, and he wonders if its his or Rat’s. Probably both. Some part of him recognizes that he should feel grossed out by this, but he’s not.

Rat’s hips move, mostly because he’s moving around a lot to get into every spot of Dan’s mouth. (Again, Dan knows this should be gross). So, it’s not intentional that he’s lightly grinding against Dan. And such light movements wouldn’t really spark much in the other, if it weren’t for the fact that it’s been  _ quite _ a while, and the only fabric between Rat and his dick is the thin boxer briefs. 

Dan has to pull away and cough on some spit and get some control again. He glances up at Rat, who is just staring at him. Waiting. He’s still seated on Dan’s dick. There’s no way he can’t feel Dan’s growing boner. When Dan does glances down towards their hips, Rat looks too.

“Rat,” Dan breathes. 

“Would you like me to get you off, Dan?” Rat says, his hands sliding down a little. 

He notices absently how easily Rat says it. In a normal tone. Not even some seductive voice, just Rat being Rat. It would be kind of funny if it didn’t make Dan twitch in excitement.

“God, please,” Dan groans. Rat’s hand moves lower and he’s at the bulge in Dan’s boxers. He presses his hand over it and Dan feels  _ crazy _ over the small motion. Rat keeps a watchful eye on his reactions. 

Rat pulls down the boxers, pulling out Dan’s cock. He moves his hands along it experimentally, eyes staring so intently. Dan is  _ sure _ he’s seen it before, during the procedure, but Dan couldn’t care less about that right now. Because right now Rat is stroking him and it feels fucking  _ great _ .

Rat rubs the head of Dan’s dick, looking up to stare Dan in his face. He’s not even doing that much, but Dan can barely speak. Probably has to do with this  _ not _ being some horny fantasy. And also being his first time with a guy.

Wow. This is a lot. 

“How would you like me to get you off?” Rat asks, knocking the wind out of Dan. “I know lots of ways to please people, and I’m not sure what you would like to do. Do you want my hands, or my -”

“Your mouth,” Dan says, perhaps a little too fast, “please, your mouth.”

“Oh, good!” Rat says with a giggle. “You really have thought about this, Dan. Mouths and stomachs are  _ great _ for collecting in situations like these.”

Dan thinks he might hate him, actually.

He doesn’t hate him for that long, because Rat is sliding down his legs and opening his mouth. He leans down and captures the top of Dan’s dick in his mouth, his tongue tentatively pressing against the head, and if it wasn’t clear, Dan is  _ losing his goddamn mind.  _

Dan isn’t sure if Rat’s slow on purpose or just exploring. Swiping up and Dan’s cock and testing how much of him he can take in his mouth. Dan is biting the back of his hand and just watching, panting against his own skin.

When Rat gives one particularly good, tight suck, Dan lets out a loud groan and reaches down to lace his fingers into Rat’s hair. Rat pops his head up and Dan immediately misses the heat of his mouth. 

“Oh, Dan!” Rat says, voice rough from taking Dan’s cock in his throat. “You don’t have to just sit there! You can use me in any way you like.”

Dan makes a high pitched noise of shock. 

“What?” Dan barely gets out. “What does that  _ mean _ ?”

Rat giggles as he continues to stroke Dan, using the spit he left against the skin as some lubricant. He’s going a bit faster now, keeping Dan’s toes curling. 

“You grabbed my hair. You can just grab my hair and thrust into my mouth! You can be very rough, no need to be delicate at  _ all _ . I can certainly take it, Dan!” Rat says, smiling, a string of drool looping off his chin. “This is for your exploration of your body and identity and I very much want to do  _ all _ that I can.”

“Um, O-o-ookay,” Dan gets out as Rat puts his mouth around his cock again. 

He begins to move his head up and down again a few times and Dan slowly grabs onto his hair. Just watching. Rat looks up at him after a few head bobs. His eyes are expectant, flickering over to where Dan’s hands are.

Dan is curious, he’ll admit that. He wants to see how honest Rat was being. About doing what he wants. So he raises his other hand, twists his fingers into Rat’s hair, and pulls down.  _ Hard _ . Enough to cause Rat to take in the entirety of his dick and hit the back of his throat.

Rat doesn’t protest. He does make a gagging sound. And Dan feels bad until he remembers that Rat doesn’t eat or breathe. He absently wonders if Rat is making the sound because he thinks it’s funny.

He does adjust himself a little, laying himself across Dan’s legs and moving his hands to his hips. Simply going limp as Dan holds his head between his hands, waiting for more. 

“Jesus, you weren’t kidding,” Dan says as he moves Rat’s head up and down. He’s slow at first, unsure how much is ‘okay’. But, by all accounts, Rat seems  _ fine _ . So, Dan starts to go harder. And harder. 

He’s pumping Rat’s head up and down at an increasing amount of speed, thrusting his hips lightly into Rat’s mouth. Rat makes a noise here and there, but mostly he’s staring up at Dan, watching him intently. 

“Fuck - ah, shit,” Dan moans as he fucks Rat mouth. He feels sharp nails digging into his hips and welcomes the slight pain. It feels  _ good _ , the combined sensations.

All of this. It feels so good, and raw, and  _ real. _ It’s the most real Dan has felt in months. 

Eventually, the tightness building in Dan’s core breaks, and he’s pushing Rat away. Rat pulls his mouth away just as Dan comes. He’s staring at the other even as streaks of cum paint his face. 

Dan stares at him, panting hard. Rat removes Dan’s hands from his hair and sits up, wipes at his face, pressing his fingers together experimentally. He looks down at his shirt, and notices cum there as well.

“Aw, we wasted some!”

Dan laughs, because he doesn’t really know how to respond to that. 

-

“I fucked Rat,” Dan says to Clara, at random, at the end of their call.

There’s a long silence between them, filled with just the static of the radio. Dan’s not even sure why he said it.

“Wow, um, okay.” Clara says eventually. “Congrats? I mean, it’s Rat, and -”

“I mean, we didn’t - we didn’t  _ actually _ fuck,” Dan says quickly, clarifying and digging his hole further, “He sucked me off. Or like...I fucked his mouth. We didn’t - we didn't like, you  _ know-” _

“I didn’t even know you were gay.”

“I didn’t either,” Dan says. “I don’t...I don’t know if I’m gay. Maybe bi. I don’t know.”

More silence follows, and Dan feels immensely stupid for saying anything.

“Was…Was it good?” Clara finally asks.

“What?”

“The blowjob. With Rat. Was it good?”

Dan laughs, because it sounds ridiculous hearing it now. He can’t imagine how Clara feels.

“It was the best blowjob I’ve ever had.”

“Good for you, I guess.”

“Thanks, Clara,” Dan says, because he can’t think of anything else to say. “I should, um...I should let you go.”

“Yeah, uh, don’t get too distracted, I guess,” Clara says, “because I will break whatever bones you have left if you let some weird sex ruins our chances of ge -“

“I -I won’t!” Dan says. “Wouldn’t even dream of it.”

“Good.”

Dan distinctly hears the sound of Clara calling out  _ Lou, you will never bel - _ before the radio turns off.

-

Not much happens between then and the next time they have sex, mostly because there isn’t much time between the two instances. There’s little discussion of it before they just..start. Dan is confused and horny and Rat is happy to indulge him. 

Rat is on his knees this time, between Dan’s legs. He holds Dan’s dick in one hand, rubbing a thumb over the tip as he’s talking. He always talks. Or, well, he talks when his mouth isn’t busy. 

“You know,” Rat is saying when Dan tunes back in through the haze in his mind, “pleasure can be produced from outside of the usual erogenous zones. Especially with a body that is as beautiful and intricate and sensitive as yours, Dan.”

“Y-yeah?” Dan asks, a little confused, but that’s usually the case with Rat. He cards his fingers through Rat’s tangled hair. It’s a tender motion, not one he would like to dwell on.

“I can show you,” Rat says happily, “It is quite easy!” 

“Sure, I - I guess, but I’m not sure what you’re impl-“

Dan’s voice falters as Rat pushes up a little from his knees and one of his hand’s slithers  _ inside  _ him. Dan almost protests, finding this a bit too freaky for his liking. He almost does. But then Rat makes a movement with a simple jerk of his wrist and suddenly Dan’s breath can’t escape his lungs because Oh. Fuck.

“You body being open like this,” Rat says, his tone making sound as though this was a trivial fact, “makes it easier to access your nerves! Which I have connected much of your new flesh to. It is a very beautiful and wonderful system and you should be very proud of it. Usually, touching it would cause you extreme pain that would seize up your whole body. However, I am skilled enough -”

Rat twists his hand some while he is deep inside Dan’s abdomen and as the other continues to pump him at a generous speed. The sensation is completely alien, but it scratches a deep, insanely pleasurable itch in Dan’s body. All Dan can do is let out a low groan from his throat.

“- to know how to also -”

Dan reaches down with a shaking hand to grip onto Rat’s shoulder. He can feel a tremor pulsing through his stomach and thighs and he’s gasping for air - he can’t even see straight -

“- produce pleasure!”

Dan yells as he comes. Rat tugs something inside him and strokes him to completion. His vision blurs and he sees stars, the intensity of the release giving him vertigo - something about the way Rat had twisted his new flesh made him feel slightly nauseous.

When he recovers enough to move his eyes from the ceiling, Rat is smiling at him, one hand covered in cum, the other slick with blood and...other fluids.

“Ugh,” is all Dan can say. He knows he should think its gross.

(He doesn’t).

-

“Can you stay?” Dan asks one night, as Rat lays him down. Rat pauses. He thinks. And then he laughs and brushes his hand through Dan’s hair.

“Oh, no,” Rat says between his giggles, “dreaming is something  _ very _ special for people like us! I would hate to intrude on such explorations. I don’t even need sleep! But you need yours, Dan, so I will leave you to it.”

And Rat turns and runs out of the room. No malice in his voice. Not to get away from the situation. Just simply stating the truth and leaving.

Dan stares at the empty space where Rat was for a long moment before he slowly lowers himself down all the way on the bed. And then he stares up into the dark.

He likes to think he didn’t cry a little at the rejection.

-

They’re kissing again. Dan moving his lips from Rat’s mouth to his neck, biting at the flesh there. Rat’s flow of words stumble a little due to the sensation, and Dan feels a spark of satisfaction. 

“How would you like me to fuck you today, Dan?” Rat asks. It catches Dan off guard every time, always making him feel almost shy. He’s unable to process how Rat says it  _ so _ easily.

“I want to do something to you,” Dan says, still attacking Rat’s neck with kisses and bites. The other makes a thoughtful sound.

“Why?”

Dan sighs in frustration.

“Does this, any of this, make you horny at all?” Dan asks as he pulls away from Rat. Rat’s hands are still on his shoulders, and he shrugs a little.

“It helps you develop an understanding of your body better,”

“That’s - that’s not why I do this!” Dan snaps at Rat, causing him to flinch back, but Dan doesn’t feel sorry. “Fuck, get off me, okay,” Dan says, standing up and causing Rat to slip to the floor.

“Dan-“

“No! Shut up. I’m not letting you fuck me for some - some  _ project _ . That’s not why I started this. I’m not ‘exploring my body’. At least, not in  _ that _ way.”

“Why do you do it?” Rat asks, ever curious.

“Shut up. Leave me alone,” Dan answers.

He stomps away. He feels Rat’s eyes burning into his back, but he doesn’t care. Doesn’t care that the other feels hurt.

He hears the sound of feet running away in the other direction.

He doesn’t care.

-

“So, I heard you and Rat got it on,” Lou asks, his voice cracking due to static.

“Shut up, Lou,” Dan snaps back.

“Hey, easy mate!” Lou says, “I was just asking. It’s weird,  _ yeah, _ but I’m proud of you! For exploring yourself and talking ab-”

“Lou,” Dan warns, his voice ice. “ _ Shut. Up. _ ”

“Oh,” Lou says, a little quiet, “I see.”

Lou hangs up. Not saying much after giving Dan the details of their most recent mission. What they need him to look for. 

Dan wishes them luck. 

Lou doesn’t wish him any.

-

They avoid each other for the next few days. At least, Rat avoids Dan. Dan isn’t sure if he’s consciously avoiding Rat or just doesn’t find him, because Rat is pretty good at avoiding Dan. He knows the outpost better and must always hear Dan coming before he can spot him.

Dan would say he’s hurt, but he’d rather think he’s angry. Justifiably angry at Rat. He doesn’t need to see that little freak anyways. Doesn’t need him to not be lonely. He has Suit! And it’s not like he  _ needs _ sex. It was just...it was good. And nice to be close to someone.

Dan sighs, staring down at his desk, running a hand through his hair. Who the fuck is he kidding? He feels bad. He knows Rat was just being, well, Rat. And of  _ course  _ he didn’t have any feeling attached to their sex. It only happened a few times.

To Rat, it would be all about development and furthering Dan’s progress. It wouldn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that Rat doesn’t care…

…But Rat is supposed to care, right? They’re friends. They’re close. He wants to stay with Dan when he leaves.

Dan wants Rat _ so _ bad. 

He wants Rat to  _ want _ him back.

“Well,” Dan says to himself, pushing up from his chair, “not gonna get farther along if I just sit here and mope. I guess I should go talk to him.”

Dan opens the door to the archives and is surprised to find Rat is already there.

“Rat,” he says, brain suddenly empty.

“Oh, hello Dan,” Rat says, “I have been thinking. And I see what I was doing may have hurt you. And I am sorry. I do like having sex with you and I do like being around you and I am sorry if I have ruined our friendship.”

Dan tries to resist laughing, because he knows it’s inappropriate. But he still chuckles and reaches out to put a gentle hand on Rat’s shoulder.

“Hey, no hard feelings over here.”

“And I am no longer angry at you, Dan,” Rat adds on.

“I would be, if I was you,” Dan says. Now it is Rat’s turn to let out a bout of light laughter. He shakes his head, as though Dan had said something silly.

“We are similar, Dan, but we are certainly not the same!”

Dan smiles softly at Rat.

“I know that. It’s why I like you,” Dan says. “I like who you are. As is.”

“I like who you are as well,” Rat says, face open and honest.

A silence comes between them. Just the two of them staring at each other fondly. It gets to be a little much, and Dan walks past Rat.

“Come on, Rat,” Dan says, gesturing for him to follow, “I think the PS2 has a few days’ worth of dust we can get rid of.”

Rat follows, running up past Dan to beat him to the room, talking excitedly.

Dan feels the fluttering in his chest.

-

Dan has Rat pinned beneath him, against a random table in the room so the outpost. He presses his tongue to Rat’s lips, who opens up his mouth and happily takes Dan in. His nails dig into Dan’s shoulders as he presses back against the others tongue.

When he pulls away, they’re both panting. Even though breath isn’t that important to them. Whatever, it sounds sexy and that’s all that Dan cares about.

“Are you okay if I do something to you this time?” Dan asks. 

“Oh, yes! I was wondering if you were still planning given that the last time -“ Rat says, but Dan covers his mouth with two fingers pressed against his wet lips.

“Hey, uh, maybe let me do the talking,” Dan says, moving his hand away. “I’ve been told I’m pretty good at it.”

“Yes, your voice is really nice in the podcast!” Rat says.

“Right,” Dan says, “the podcast.”

Dan’s hand moves down away from Rat’s mouth and to his waist. He hooks his fingers into the waistline of Rat’s pants and pulls them down. Rat helps him get them off, watching curiously as he does so.

“Tanya would also tell me I’m pretty good with my hands,” Dan brags, winking at Rat. Rat gives him a glare.

“I would prefer it if you did not bring up Tanya when you are with me, Dan,” Rat says.

Dan is baffled. He knows Rat doesn’t like Tanya. Seems like no one does. But  _ still _ . He wasn’t expecting  _ that  _ much anger.

It reminds him of Mark.

Dan shakes his head, dispelling the thoughts. Not wanting to get his hopes up. 

“Sorry,” Dan says, “Won’t do it again.”

Rat lets out a huff and leans back, watching Dan as he lifts one of his legs and kisses the inside flesh.  _ I’ll make it up to him _ , Dan thinks, kissing and sucking Rat’s thigh. 

Dan presses his mouth across Rat’s inner thighs and lower stomach, sucking and biting at the skin there. He’s slow, taking his time. And Rat is just watching him. Eventually, he lets out a sigh.

“Is this your idea of sex, Dan?” Rat asks, and Dan smiles against his skin and looks up.

“Are  _ you _ getting impatient, Rat?”

Rat blushes. And he laughs, almost looking as confused and surprised than what Dan expected of him. It made Dan feel excited to had pulled that from him. 

“I am sorry. I didn’t realize that was your intent. You are far more skilled than I had expected.”

“I told you I’m good,” Dan says.

“You said  _ Tanya _ said you were good,” Rat says back.

“Hey, I thought I wasn’t allowed to bring her up!” Dan says, pulling his face away from Rat’s thigh to protest.

“You  _ aren’t _ ,” Rat says. Dan laughs. Genuinely. Wow. It’s wonders what a little break can do.

“You have quite the mouth on you, Rat,” Dan says, “We should put it to some better use.”

He brings up the fingers of his good hand.

“Suck,” he commands. Rat doesn’t question him, simply opening his mouth and taking in Dan’s fingers. He sucks on them, with as much enthusiasm as he would anything else. Dan smiles.

“Good boy,” he says, pulling his fingers from Rat’s mouth. Rat opens his mouth to say something, but then closes it, deciding it’s better to let Dan work than interrupt him.

Dan hums a song as he lowers his hand to Rat’s groin. He finds the other’s clit, using the spit as lubricant as he swirls his finger around it. He leans in and kisses Rat, moving his tongue into the others mouth as he rubs his him down. 

His hand trails down, towards Rat’s entrance. He’s pleased to find it already slick and ready for him.

“All wet for me, Rat?” Dan asks smugly.

“Of course,” Rat says brightly, “you are giving me enough stimulation to warrant it. Unless you want to do more. You can certainly go harder.”

Dan remembers who he is trying to dirty talk. 

_ Fuck it _ , Dan thinks,  _ it makes  _ **_me_ ** _ feel sexy. _

Dan pushes a finger into Rat, slipping in easily. Rat continues to watch him, almost unblinking. It almost gives Dan performance anxiety. It’s almost a relief to know Rat  _ doesn’t _ give a shit about this.

He adds another finger, pushing in and out. He starts out slow, making sure Rat isn’t uncomfortable. And then he picks up speed slightly, going deeper and harder until he’s two knuckles deep.

“You know, Dan,” Rat says conspiratorially, still watching him, “you should search for a bundle of nerves on the top near m -”

Rat’s voice falters as Dan hooks his finger, smirking as he gets a series of  _ ohs  _ to spill out from the other.

“You were saying, Rat?”

“I - I was just trying to help -” Rat stutters a bit as Dan thrusts harder.

Dan bends down and kisses the bottom of Rat’s stomach, before he goes lower. He parts his lips around Rat’s clit and sucks, tongue pressed against it. He feels Rat arch his back slightly at the sensation, and Dan has to admit he’s enjoying this  _ immensely.  _

“Dan,” Rat’s voice comes, and Dan lifts his eyes to look at the other. Rat is flushed and his eyes are blown but he’s still staring as intensely as ever.

“You should use your other hand, your  _ new _ flesh on me,” Rat says. 

Dan pulls away for a moment, looking down at his arm, the mangled mess of metal and flesh. He looks back at Rat.

“Um, I - I think that would hurt like a ton, don’t you think?” Dan asks. Rat giggles and a grin spreads across his face.

“Oh yes! But that is the point. Pain will make it  _ much _ better,” Rat says.

“I don’t know, Rat,” Dan says, darting his eyes away. Away from Rat, away from his new flesh. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Oh! Do not worry, Daniel,” Rat says, “it will be oh so good and wonderful. And a great and new experience! And I can certainly take it!”

“Rat-”

“ _ Please _ , Dan,”

“Okay, Okay,” Dan says, removing his fingers from Rat, “but you have to tell me if it feels...bad. And wrong. Okay?”

Rat giggles in excitement.

“Oh, I am sure that will be unnecessary. I will! But I don’t think it will happen,” Rat says, smiling.

This time, Dan uses his own spit, sticking his metallic fingers into his mouth. He’s not sure what compelled him to do this, but nonetheless he sucks generously at his own hand until he feels Rat fidget impatiently. Dan moves his other hand to Rat’s clit, rubbing gentle circles as he experimentally teases Rat’s entrance with his new flesh. 

_ Pain will make it  _ **_much_ ** _ better. _

Dan shoves two fingers into Rat’s cunt, without warning. Rat lets out a pained sound and throws his head back, and Dan begins to remove his fingers.

“Rat-”

“No! No. This is good, Dan, please keep going.”

Dan hesitates, but then he continues, once again not giving Rat time to adjust or slowly build speed. He just begins to pump his fingers in and out at a brutal pace and Rat becomes incoherent, babbling nonsense. He firmly rubs Rat’s clit at the same pace with the thumb of his other hand. 

It’s...weirdly nice? It’s weird. But it’s hard not to say that it’s nice that someone  _ wants _ to feel Dan’s new flesh.  _ Wants _ to be touched by it.

“Oh Rat,” Dan says, a little breathless, “you are so good. So good to me.”

Rat comes. He clenches around Dan’s fingers and bucks his hips. He doesn’t even form words, just a series of moans that fall out of his mouth. Dan continues to finger him through his orgasm, until Rat starts to sound coherent again.

“Yes, thank you, thank you, thank you, Dan,” the words just keep coming out of Rat’s mouth, “this is good. That is good. This - yes - thank you.”

Dan kisses him, lifting both hands to cradle his face.

-

Neither Clara and Lou ask about Rat. Or his sexuality.

Dan kind of appreciates it. 

He also kind of wants to talk about it.

But knows he has no right to. 

“So the contest,” Dan says instead, because it’s not like his little relationship matters more than their lives.

He likes to think they appreciate it.

-

Rat wishes him good night. He smiles and presses a kiss to Dan’s cheek. This time, as he turns to leave, Dan reaches out and grabs him.

“Please, Rat,” Dan says, “Please stay.”

Rat’s silent for a long moment. Dan can’t see his face, but he knows he’s staring at him, eyes big and dark and round.

“Okay, Dan,” Rat says, his voice as enthusiastic and round as ever, yet now soft. “I will spend the night with you.”

Dan shifts some so Rat can climb onto the bed. It’s not that big, and it’s hard for them to lay comfortably, but Dan doesn’t mind at all.

Rat curls onto arm, onto his new flesh. He doesn’t seem to mind it all and hums a low song as he presses into Dan’s side. 

Dan sleeps. It’s the best sleep he’s gotten in awhile.

He’s horribly relieved when he wakes and finds that Rat is still there. Even though he’s awake...and staring at Dan. Did he even sleep?

“Good morning, Dan!” Rat chirps at him. Dan smiles sleepily at him.

It probably doesn’t matter.

-

Dan has Rat on his back on the bed, a couple days later. He’s stressed and worried and he  _ needs _ this. Needs to forget about the word he’s in for a little bit and just focus on the man below him. He’s so worried about Clara and Lou and yeah, maybe he’s having sex while they’re possibly dead in a weird museum. But hey, people have done worse things to cope.

Besides, Rat’s finally learned to kiss Dan’s neck and it feels  _ really _ good.

Dan’s hips are grinding against Rat’s, eliciting small sounds from the other. Good. He lightly bites Rat’s ear as a hand snakes into his chest. He feels Rat twist something and his hips stutter and he’s suddenly moaning loud.

“Can I fuck you?” Dan asks as he pants against Rat’s ear. He hears him make a thoughtful sound.

“Isn’t that what we have been doing?” Rat asks, and Dan pushes himself up a little so he can look him in the face.

“I mean, uh, shit. You know.  _ Fuck _ fuck, you know?”

Rat laughs, and Dan feels himself flush even more.

“You can fuck me, Dan,” Rat says. Dan laughs, because the whole thing feels surreal but good. He leans down and kisses Rat again, who happily opens his mouth to invite Dan’s tongue in. 

Dan’s hand slips down into Rat’s pants, to rub at his clit. The other lets out a small noise of appreciation. He keeps up grinding against Rat, as well, providing friction for himself, but it’s certainly not enough to sate him.

Soon, Dan’s pulling off his boxers. Rat takes the time to pull of his own pants, giggling excitedly, and then Dan is diving back in to attack Rat’s neck with bites and kisses, slipping a finger into his cunt.

He knows Rat is all about pain, but foreplay is just fun, okay?

Rat’s hands are twisting into Dan’s chest again, finding the spots that make him nearly see white. He doesn’t come like he did the first time, but he knows if he lets Rat continue, he will, so Dan pulls away. He spreads Rat’s legs and pushes one up as Rat squirms, hips unable to keep still. Dan holds his dick, hard and leaking precome.

“Are you good?” Dan asks as he presses himself against Rat’s entrance. The other gives a quick nod. 

“Yes! I am doing great.” Rat reaches up to loop his arms around Dan’s neck, a manic grin on his face. “Please fuck me, Dan.”

Dan doesn’t need much more convincing. 

Dan sinks into Rat all the way. Enough to cause slight pain and discomfort that he knows Rat likes (for some reason). Rat makes a choking sound and grips onto Dan’s arms, but Dan doesn’t show any mercy. He knows Rat’s limits.

He lifts Rat’s legs up, pressing them over his shoulders, and starts thrusting, tentatively at first and then pounding his hips  _ hard _ against Rat. The sound of skin against skin and panting fills the room. Dan presses his new flesh into Rat’s mouth, forcing him to suck and gag around his fingers. It’s gross. Rat looks to be in ecstasy. 

It only takes a few minutes before he feels the tightness in his core. His thrusting is getting more unsteady and sloppy, though just as hard. Rat’s hand is on his clit and he’s rubbing frantically - 

And then Rat is clenching around him. He lets out a loud moan around Dan’s fingers as his back arches. Dan continues to pound into him, helping him ride out his orgasm, until Rat is clenching around him one more time and Dan’s hips stutter. Dan collapses over Rat as he bucks desperately into him, coming hard. Until he stops, muscles tight as he moans into Rat’s ear. And then he’s just there, panting hard. 

They lay there for a moment, both catching their breaths and recovering, letting the aftershocks fade. Dan eventually moves to the side, pulling himself out of Rat and lowering himself onto his back on the bed. His new flesh and machinery feels a little loose, but he’ll get Rat to check it later.

He looks over at Rat, his surgeon, his colleague. He’s looking up at the ceiling, eyes wide, his unnecessary breathing slowing. His skin is sweaty and flushed. He looks disheveled and used. 

_ He looks beautiful _ .

“I love you,” Dan says. Rat turns his head, and his bright eyes focus on Dan. A smile spreads lazily across his face.

“I love you too, Daniel!”

-

Rat leaves him. In the end. Of course Rat leaves him.

After the Curator. After the birth. After  _ everything _ .

Dan can’t say he’s shocked - he knows who Rat is. Was. Who Jacob really belonged to. 

And he can’t pretend that he didn’t consider this as a possibility. That Rat’s going home was different than  _ his _ going home.

But still...he had hoped...after everything...that...that -

“Oh, I am sorry. But thank you! So much!” Rat says as he leaves.

It hurts. 

“I...guess if that’s what makes you happy,” Dan says back.

Everything changes -

And Rat is gone.

Just like that. 

**Author's Note:**

> woah! that was something!
> 
> congrats on reading this?
> 
> special shout out to my friend for editing this. mvp. king. you are a godsend
> 
> not much to put here other than danrat rights
> 
> thanks for reading!


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